


What Could Have Been, What Might Become

by squidgie



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Community: romancingmcshep, F/M, First Kiss, First Time, Grief/Mourning, Loss, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-05
Updated: 2016-02-05
Packaged: 2018-05-18 08:16:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,078
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5911951
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/squidgie/pseuds/squidgie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John Sheppard and five other soldiers are apparently killed (keep reading, please!) by an unknown alien race during an attack, and Rodney learns to deal with the loss by sending him letters.  (Note that this is for RomancingMcShep - which always has a happy ending for our boys!)</p>
            </blockquote>





	What Could Have Been, What Might Become

**Author's Note:**

> NOTES: Written for RomancingMcShep, the prompt: _When Rodney thinks that John is dead, he begins writing him letters on the advice of the new Heightmeyer. When John comes back alive, he finds the letters in Rodney's room_. This is my own take on the prompt, so it's not exactly how it is laid out. Special thanks go out to Goddess47 for reading this over for tone. I'm sorry I made you cry, sweets!!!  
>  WARNINGS: Episodic violence, Discussion of death of a main character (but look at the prompt!), Not betaed.

> From: mrmckay@atlantis.ioa.mil  
>  To: jsheppard@atlantis.ioa.mil  
>  Subject:  
>    
>  John...

  
Rodney stops typing, his fingers paralyzed as much as his mind.  For a man that could - and _would_ \- talk at length about a great number of subjects, he finds himself with nothing to say.  He shakes his head, trying to make sense of the confusing thoughts and ache in his chest, though nothing comes to him; his mind is completely blank.  
  
After a few seconds, only the roaring sound of silence keeping him company in the dimly lit lab, he begins to glare at the laptop.  A disgusted sigh drips from his lips as his neutral expression gives way to a frown.  A stray string catches his focus for a moment, so he rips it from his shirt and casts it away from his body, watching it fall helplessly to the floor.   
  
When he is able to focus on the screen again, he chuffs out a sigh.  In one quick movement, the back of his hand slams the laptop shut, the click of the metal echoing off the darkened walls.  "What the fuck am I doing?" he asks no one in particular.  He stands up, ignoring the pain in his back and then stomps to the door.  "Like it matters," he mutters, venturing out into the deserted corridors.  
  
In the grand scheme of things, It _didn't_ matter.  Not because he didn't care about John - far from it.  But John was dead.  And sending email to a dead man was just pathetic.  
  
~*~*~  
  
Ten days previous, there had been a break in the lull of Atlantis' peace.  The city had gone for a few weeks without any particularly terrible encounters, and Elizabeth had even brokered a couple large deals that would ensure the city would have plenty of food to get them through the winter.  It was like Atlantis' settlers had come into their stride, and Pegasus had decided to stop screwing with them.  But all that changed when the radio chatter suddenly went from nothing to urgent calls for defense.  In an instant, the city was forcibly snapped out of its calm, her inhabitants immediately providing support where needed.   
  
An unknown vessel had dropped out of hyperspace, weapons trained on the city, causing as flashes of red and orange to paint the evening sky when they opened fire.  Sheppard was on his feet first, running immediately for the control room, Rodney right behind.  Rodney's not but a few steps away when a blast hits an outside wall, causing it to crumble.  He watched the scene in horror; the helpful cook that always made sure to keep a kettle of coffee on for his science team was suddenly gone, a gaping hole in her place.  The only evidence of her presence remaining was the jagged splashes of blood on the crumbled remains of the wall and floor.  Two Marines who had been near her getting food were down, limbs twisted at ungodly angles.   
  
" _Go_!" Teyla insisted to Rodney.  "Ronon and I shall assist here."  
  
Rodney just nodded, and came out of his stupor as he heard John in his ear screaming, "Where is the fucking shield?"  
  
The unknown ship had only gotten off a few shots, most of them landing in the more unpopulated sections of Atlantis, before the shield came online.  But the barrage of weapons fire never let up.  After an hour of trying to figure out exactly _what_ they could do, John came up with a plan, announcing it to the senior staff.  The plan would send John and a few other pilots out in the newly weaponized and heavily fortified puddlejumpers that the Science team had worked tirelessly on.  With the Daedalus more than a week away, there was little Atlantis could do.  And with a shield that would last a day - two tops - a counterattack was all that seemed possible.  
  
Sheppard was one of half a dozen military personnel that slipped into the three puddlejumpers that were ready, each ship taking a pilot and weapons officer.  While their weapons weren't a match for those on the alien ship, each one held several hydrogen bombs that the science team built.  Just one had the potential to destroy the alien ship, as long as they could get close enough.  
  
John and his hand-selected team slip away amidst the chaos before Rodney could even come up with a good rebuttal to his plan.  
  
Not satisfied to just _listen_ to what was happening from the control room, Rodney stepped out onto the balcony that abutted the command room and watched as three puddlejumpers slipped through the shield - timed perfectly by Radek - and cloaked as they got close to their target.  There's nothing but a continuation of weapons fire for seconds, followed light so bright that Rodney had to shield his eyes.  And when he finally was able focus on the ship, he scanned the skies trying to see them against the hulk of alien ship.  He doesn't panic until he recognizes Chuck's voice as it came through the comm.  "Sheppard this is Atlantis.  Come in, Sheppard."  
  
But there was no response.  
  
As quickly as it showed up, the alien ship stopped firing and seconds later disappeared from its orbit of the planet.  Rodney's blood ran cold as he searched the heavens.  And within seconds, the sky was alight, as detritus from defeated puddlejumpers fell to the planet's surface.  
  
~*~*~  
  
Wreckage was strewn halfway across the planet, and only parts of two bodies - burned beyond recognition, though Carson identifies them as Lieutenants Qualbani and Burkhardt -  are recovered.  The rest of the bodies, along with the majority of the puddlejumpers, was lost, burned up in the atmosphere or in a dead orbit around the planet.  
  
Atlantis personnel were stunned, most walking around in a stupor for the first few days.  When Caldwell showed up a few days later, he promoted Major Lorne to Lieutenant Colonel, and in a small ceremony after honoring the fallen, declared Lorne as Atlantis' military commander.  
  
Ronon disappeared for several days after requesting to be dropped off on the mainland.  Teyla mourned the loss, and actively sought out Rodney - but Rodney just couldn't.  There's no way to deal with the loss of someone that he was so close to - so close that he felt practically _married_ to John - by talking to anyone.  But on orders of Weir, a couple of days after the incident, he started his mandatory counseling with Doctor Heightmeyer.  
  
"How do you feel?" Kate asks him.  
  
Rodney looks up, giving Heightmeyer an incredulous look before rolling his reddened eyes.  "What the hell kind of question is _that_?" he barks at her, not caring if his tone is harsh.  "I lost my best friend - _how the hell do you think I feel_?"  
  
He watches as Heightmeyer takes a deep breath, smoothing her long hair behind one ear.  "We all deal with loss in different ways, Rodney."  She reaches out to him, and Rodney can't help but flinch at the touch; he isn't a touchy-feely type of person, and that rule had applied to everyone but Sheppard.  He knows that Heightmeyer is just trying to help him to cope, but the gesture unnerves him more than it rationally should.  
  
"Before we came to Pegasus, I read up on dealing with loss, and how different populations handle it.  There _is_ a suggestion that I believe might be helpful to you."  
  
If Rodney could, he would storm out.  But Elizabeth had already warned him once, and told him to at _least_ play along, which he gave her his word.  "Yes?" he asks, rolling his wrist impatiently.  
  
"You could try writing him a letter."  
  
Heightmeyer's voice was soothing and caring, but Rodney couldn't help it when he barked out a laugh.  "Are you _insufferably_ stupid?" he asks.  "He's _dead_!"  
  
Just saying it out loud seemed to change the room, and Rodney immediately feels like he's going to be sick.  He looks down at the floor, hunching his shoulders and cutting himself off from the room.  "I'm sorry," he offers, voice quietly hesitant.  
  
There's the sound of the door chime, and Doctor Heightmeyer looks up, nodding to the person standing behind Rodney.  "Think about it, okay?"  
  
Rodney stands, though his head still hangs penitently.  "Okay," he murmurs, and then flees the room as fast as his aching legs can take him.  
  
~*~*~  
  
After his first, abortive, attempt at writing John, Rodney buries himself in work.  But all too often, he feels like there's a glimpse of John around a corner, or he finds himself swatting his radio when it's close to lunchtime to ask if John wants to go eat.  He's _not_ processing it - downright refuses to, and there are just so many times he can reschedule his meetings with Atlantis' shrink.  
  
Rodney gets up and paces his lab, thanking what lucky stars he manages to still have that he's been left alone.  Terse, angry dealings with his staff had scared off most, with Kusanagi and even Radek finally backing off and leaving him be.  But being alone with his thoughts isn't something he's quite ready for, so before he can think about it, Rodney fires up his email program and starts to type.

> From: mrmckay@atlantis.ioa.mil  
>  To: jsheppard@atlantis.ioa.mil  
>  Subject: How is this even real?  
>    
>  John,  
>    
>  It's been almost two weeks since...  Fuck.  I can barely type it, much less say it.  And I don't _want_ to say it.  It's like the whole world has stopped, and a giant hand swooped in and took the best things from our lives.  I still don't want to believe that you're gone; I mean we never found any other - anyone else, other than a couple of the newer Marines.  I know there was the blast; but without seeing you - without _finding_ you - I don't want to believe it.  
>    
>  You'd probably laugh at me for this, but every day at lunch - when I _remember_ to eat lunch, because only _you_ took the time to make sure I ate.  Anyway, every single time I start to head to the mess, I try and call you on the radio.  Today I even got your name out, then walked into a wall.  You would have laughed at me.  
>    
>  I still can't believe that you're really gone.  It's like we just got here - like we just met and started to get to know each other.  I think about all the time that I wasted - all the things that I didn't say to you.  
>    
>  I miss you.  
>    
>  -mrm

  
Rodney doesn't re-read the message, but instead just clicks, 'Send' and lets the message wind its way through Atlantis' intranet, where it can stay in John's inbox - an inbox that Bates had asked to be removed, along with the accounts of others that were lost.  Rodney laughed in his face, and Lorne had told him to drop it.  When Heightmeyer had told Rodney to write John a letter, she probably meant putting pen to paper.  But because paper wasn't as readily supplied to Atlantis, and because he wasn't his Grandfather - he chose to send an email.   
  
Standing up from his desk, he stretches, somehow feeling a little lighter from the experience.  His stomach growls, and he realizes that it's past lunch service.  And in a momentary lapse of memory, he chides John for not reminding him to eat.  He stops, shaking his head, and then makes his way to the Mess to eat.  
  
Entering the small, newly repaired Mess, Rodney finds that there's not much left from their lunch service other than a few pre-packaged sandwiches.  He grabs one, along with a cup of pudding and then goes to find something to drink.  Depositing his lunch to the counter, he picks up a carafe, finding it suspiciously light.  He pours himself a cup of coffee - except there's nothing in the carafe.  He slams it down, and then turns to where the foodservice worker would be - only to find a few carpenters and an engineer finishing up the wall repairs.  His snippy comment catches in his throat before he can even open his mouth, and he escapes the mess before his imagination repaints the long-gone blood over the floor and walls.  
  
~*~*~  
  
After Rodney's next visit with Heightmeyer (which he cuts short when she tries to get him to talk, but all he can do is yell in response) he buries himself in work.  There are plans for additional armaments to approve, and some improvements to the Daedalus that have to be done.  Rodney focuses on the Daedalus, both because he knows he can get the work done faster than anyone else on Atlantis, and that it will get Caldwell off his city.  Ever since Lorne's promotion ceremony, just the sight of Caldwell made Rodney's skin crawl.  So the sooner the Colonel disappears, the better.  
  
After a marathon session on the Daedalus, Rodney shows up back in his lab where he unexpectedly finds Major Lorne.  " _Colonel_ Lorne", he corrects himself out loud in greeting the man, all the while cutting his eyes as if he could make Lorne either spontaneously combust, or at least uncomfortable enough to flee.  He slams his laptop down, then crosses his arms.  "What do you want?" he barks.  
  
"McKay," Lorne says, voice even and his gaze unfazed at Rodney's death glare.  "We have a mission to QPX-5T8 in the morning, and I was wondering..."   
  
Rodney goes pale; it was a mission that Sheppard had planned out months ago to help with the first delivery of grains back to Atlantis in exchange for medical supplies.  It was to begin with a harvest ceremony, then finish with bundles of hearty soy-like grains being delivered.  Harvest festivals were one of Sheppard's favorite things, even though he outwardly balked at them.  Rodney likes harvest festival missions, as he and Sheppard usually-  
  
In an instant the memories of Rodney and John's interactions during off world celebrations are ripped from his memory, replaced by the vision of John's empty coffin that had been shipped back to Earth.  Rodney's frown embeds itself even deeper, and he barks, "Can't you see I'm busy?"  
  
Lorne's normally cool exterior is shattered for a split second, and he stands a little straighter.  "Doctor McKay, I, personally, am in need of your-"  
  
"What you _need_ ," Rodney barks as he opens his laptop, "is to get the hell out of my lab."  He looks up at Lorne, who is staring at him with wide eyes.  When when the Colonel doesn't move, Rodney leashes out again as he emphasizes his point with a bellowed, " _Now_!"  
  
Straightening up, and then giving Rodney a curt nod, Lorne walks briskly out of the lab.  The sound of the doors snicking shut is barely finished when Rodney picks up the nearest thing - a mug -  and throws it against the wall, not caring that it shatters, sending shards of ceramic every which way.  Glaring at the largest pieces, his breath catches when he realizes that the offending item was John's, left there next to Rodney's own mug, both of which John had picked up during a trading mission.  It angers him more than it should, because it leaves him with one less tie to his friend.  
  
Without overthinking it, Rodney opens his laptop, and lets his fingers fly over the keyboard.

> From: mrmckay@atlantis.ioa.mil  
>  To: jsheppard@atlantis.ioa.mil  
>  Subject: Fuck you  
>    
>  God damn you, Sheppard.  Seriously.  Just fuck you.  I am so angry at you for fucking _everything_ up!  You just had to fucking go on one last suicide mission, didn't you?  But no - this time you let them finally take you.   
>    
>  Did you not even realize what you'd be leaving behind?  That you'd be leaving _me_ behind?  No.  No, you didn't.  So seriously - fuck you.  If they hadn't already sent your shit back to Earth, I would fucking light it on fire.  
>    
>  I can't believe you'd just leave me like this.  Without as much as a goodbye.

  
Rodney doesn't even sign his initials like normal.  He squishes the "Send" button like a bug under his fingers, slams his laptop shut, and then shoves it across the desk for good measure.  He doesn't even care if it falls of the edge and he breaks another screen.  It would just be another perfect fuck up to the giant list of fuck ups that have gone on since John was ripped from his life.  
  
The hint of a migraine announces itself, and Rodney sighs angrily at the intrusion.  So before it can take hold, he stomps off to the Infirmary to get some drugs to help with his head, and wishes he had something to chase away the pain in his heart.  
  
~*~*~  
  
Rodney spends the next two days hiding in his quarters, not caring about the work that needs to be done.  Instead, he blames the migraine that has been gone for what seems like forever and not the heartache that is digging a hole in his chest.   
  
The door chimes once, then again, and Rodney ignores it.  It's then that Teyla's voice comes through the radio in his ear, and he knows he can't just push her away as he would like.  With great effort, he gets up and heads to the door, gesturing for it to open.  When it does, he finds Teyla standing on the other side, a tray of food and coffee in her hands and a gentle smile on her face.  "Good morning, Rodney," she says, standing at the threshold.  
  
He knows that he can bluster most people, but Teyla is one that he can't.  So with a grunt he steps to the side, arm outstretched, and gives her a sweeping invitation to join him.  She enters his quarters gracefully, setting the tray down on the desk and then takes a seat, folding her hands gracefully in her lap as she gazes at Rodney.  "Come.  Sit with me," she asks, and then pats the cushion next to her.  
  
Rodney's in no mood for company, but he knows Teyla means well so he does as he's told.  He sits down and watches as Teyla pours out two cups of coffee.  The smell of whatever is under the cloche hits him about the same time as the coffee, and Rodney suddenly realizes just how hungry he is.  Buried in his room the last two days, he'd survived on whatever powerbars and other foodstuffs he could find within his quarters.   
  
"It seems as if I have not seen you in many days, Rodney," Teyla says as she hands over the steaming cup of coffee.  "How are you doing?"  
  
Taking a gulp of the warm, dark brew to give him a few seconds to think, Rodney sighs.  He welcomes the warm feeling trickle down into his stomach, and when he can't find words, he hesitates with another sip.  His eyes go to the plate of food, which Teyla uncovers, saying, "Please," and gestures to it.  "I was not sure what you would like, so I just grabbed a few things."  
  
Rodney goes for one of the pastries, taking a bite of it before he realizes it was blueberry - one of John's favorites.  Suddenly his appetite escapes him, and he puts the sweet treat back on the tray.  He knows his eyes hold a few unspilled tears, but he fights to manage his composure.  Looking at Teyla, he simply asks, "Why?"  
  
Teyla's eyes drop to the floor, and when she manages to look up, she has to wipe away a tear of her own.  "I don't know, Rodney," she says.  "As each day passes, I keep asking myself the same thing.  It seemed as if John was indestructible, and each time we went out on a mission, that point was demonstrated over and over again.  But..."  She looks away, then lifts a hand, wiping at her face.  
  
"This sucks," Rodney says, voice nearly at a whisper.  
  
"Yes," Teyla agrees.  She reaches out, touching Rodney's leg, then gives him a hint of a smile.  "It _does_ suck, as you say.  But you know John would not want us to mourn him like this."   
  
Rodney almost asks, "Like what?" but instead looks around his quarters, stray wrappers and other extraneous trash sitting where he let it fall.  He takes a deep breath to steady himself, and says, "I always knew this was a possibility, but it doesn't make it any easier."  He takes another sip of coffee, and adds, "I'd give anything to have him back, you know..."  Looking up, he says, "I know it sounds horrible, but why him?  Why not..."  And Rodney doesn't finish that thought, because he's not a monster.  Still, names and faces flicker in his head, and he wonders to himself why it couldn't be one of _them_ instead of John.  
  
"All we can do is celebrate the time we had with him, and let others know of his life," Teyla says.  "Even if it means we must mourn him."  
  
There's a silence that stretches between them, and Rodney finally looks up from his contemplation.  He puts his hand over Teyla's and watches as she leans forward with her eyes closed.  The gesture shouldn't surprise him, but it does, so he does the same, their foreheads touching, though Rodney doesn't close his eyes.  Instead, he watches as a tear streams down Teyla's face.  
  
When she pulls back, Rodney gives her a hint of a smile before raising a hand and wiping away her stray tear.  She gives him a sad smile, clutching his hand in hers, then stands and heads for the door.  As the last minute, she turns and says, "Will you join me for lunch, Rodney?"  
  
Rodney just nods his response, knowing now that his anger had subsided, he feels a bit like venturing out again, and maybe he won't have to worry about biting anyone's heads off.  And when Teyla is gone and the door quietly shuts, he stands in silent contemplation.  Heaving out a sigh, he starts to undress, figuring he needs to get a shower so he can start the day.  
  
~*~*~

> From: mrmckay@atlantis.ioa.mil  
>  To: jsheppard@atlantis.ioa.mil  
>  Subject: Why?  
>    
>  First off, I'm sorry for that last email.  I know I was angry, but jesus, John, what do you expect from me?  You're gone, and there's nothing I can do to bring you back.  Not that I wouldn't bend the earth to have kept you from flying away in the 'jumper, you know that right?  Maybe if I would have fought back more - pushed you and Elizabeth - you'd still be here.  If I could do it all again, I would have yelled and screamed.  Or hell, listened and argued - whatever it took to keep you here.  
>    
>  What I wouldn't give for just one stupid meal with you.  To spend another night drinking beer out on the east pier.  Why didn't we just hang out more - talk?  I've had so much to say to you - for a long time - but now all I can do is whisper it to your memory.  
>    
>  I had a dream about you last night.  And no, not anything untoward; I know you didn't like me that way, _Kirk_.  But just us, sitting around some campfire somewhere, just talking.  It was like it was real.  But it hurts so much having to rely on memories and dreams - what I wouldn't give to just see you one more time.  
>    
>  Anything, John.  Just for even one more second.  
>  -mrm

  
~*~*~  
  
Rodney tries to insert himself back into the day-to-day bustle of Atlantis, but it's like his body is filled with lead, his brain with mush.  He has a hard time getting up in the mornings, though he forces himself.  But even though he's treading on the outskirts of the expedition, keeps to himself, not even eating with Ronon or Teyla.  Instead, he just eats quietly in his room, or in one of his labs.  
  
On the third morning after his latest email, Rodney tries to sleep in, but a call over the radio from Elizabeth about the weekly staff meeting finally rouses him.  Not caring much about his appearance, he throws on some dirty clothes and walks into the conference room, hovering just at the threshold with all eyes on him.  But Rodney's eyes go no further than the chair.  John's chair.  The one next to his, that is mercifully empty.  Not that he _wants_ it to be, but he doesn't think he could face another person sitting in John's chair.  
  
Murmuring, "I'm sorry.  I can't do this..." Rodney backs out of the room, ignoring Elizabeth's voice calling him back.  He lets his heavy legs take him away from the command center as quickly as possible.  He takes a back hallway, trying to be in the company of as few people as possible.  After a maze of corridors and doorways, he ducks into a lab that he hasn't used in a while.  And that's when he sees it.  
  
Sitting on the desk is the remains of John's shattered ceramic mug, picked up from where they fell, now laid out on a handkerchief.  Someone had carefully picked up each piece, placing them respectfully on the cloth, then set it next to Rodney's own mug.  The shattered mug was one of the last ties Rodney had with John, after the rest of his possessions had been packed up and sent back to Earth with the empty coffin.  He brings his hand to hover just above the jagged remains, and his breath catches.  Suddenly the ache in his chest comes back with a vengeance, and he can feel tears well in the corners of his eyes.  He hurts so bad that all he can do is collapse against the desk, face buried in his hands as he gives up, sobbing uncontrollably.  
  
After a deluge of tears have soaked into his shirtsleeve, and his nose has been wiped on his cuff, Rodney doesn't move from his spot.  Instead, he remains there, crumpled against the desk for an immeasurable period of time, enveloped in silence.  It's not until there's a hand at his shoulder that he realizes he's no longer alone, so he looks up for a second before again dropping his eyes to the floor.  
  
"Miko?" he asks, voice quiet.  
  
"Doctor McKay, please," she says, grasping onto his arm.  Tugging him gently, Rodney comes to stand next to her, thankful that she lets him lean on her.  He finally looks at at her again, and she gives him a sad smile.  "I brought you something to eat.  _Please_."  
  
"Why?  What's the point?"  
  
Miko gazes at the table, reaching over to the small handkerchief and drags it close, the sound of broken ceramic sounding against the metal tabletop.  She bundles it up and pulls it to her chest, like a sign of respect, then puts it back down.  Reaching into her pocket, she pulls out a small flag - a uniform patch.  But it's not from Japan; it's red and green, with a golden circle in the middle.  It puzzles Rodney for a moment.  But as memories jumble in his head, he dares to whisper, "Corporal Espinosa..."  
  
He had no idea.  
  
Nodding her head, as tears make quick paths down her cheeks, she manages a quiet, "Hai."  She brings the Portuguese flag to her lips, kissing it gently, before setting it down next to John's mug.  "It's all I have left of him," she confesses.  
  
The silence stretches until Miko takes a deep breath.  "I am not strong enough to say goodbye to him by myself.  And you, Doctor McKay-"  
  
"Miko..." Rodney says, his heart breaking for her.  
  
She looks up, admiration in her eyes.  "You are the strongest person I know.  So I need you to help me."  She reaches out towards all that remains of their fallen loved ones, and adds, "Please?" her eyes pleading with him.  
  
Rodney agrees without hesitation.  "What do I need to do?"  
  
In the end, Rodney and Miko take a puddlejumper to the mainland, setting down in a remote, wooded area.  He watches as Miko goes through what she later tells him is a traditional Buddhist burial ceremony, another bit of his heart shattering as they burn Sheppard's and Espinosa's 'remains' in a small fire.  Once the fire is nothing but embers, they sit side-by-side and then bury the charred remnants.  And even though he's not a particularly religious person, Rodney says a silent prayer, hoping for good things for John.  Before they go, Miko says her own prayer, then makes an offering of incense before they both walk back to the 'jumper.  
  
The ride back to Atlantis is completely silent, only the occasional radio chatter haunting the quiet.  When they land, they exit the back of the 'jumper, but stand in place, not venturing away from one another.  When he looks at her, Miko just reaches for Rodney's arm, squeezing it gently before silently making her way out of the bay.  
  
Rodney stands, rooted in place for a few moments, not able to look at anyone occupying the bay with him.  And when there is a respectful lull, he slips from the room, then quickly makes his way to his quarters.  
  
~*~*~

> From: mrmckay@atlantis.ioa.mil  
>  To: jsheppard@atlantis.ioa.mil  
>  Subject:  I can't do this...  
>    
>  Do you know how hard it is to get up in the morning, knowing you're not here?  I mean, it's not like things slowed down after you left - but a part of me died that day, too.  I never really fully understood just how important you are to me.  Well, were.  And I know that now, because without you here, it's been hard.  _So_ hard...  
>    
>  Kusanagi came to me today, and she said something that, were it any other moment, I would have laughed.  Because she said I was strong - the strongest person she knows.  It's like she doesn't even know me.  Now you - You, John - you were strong.  Stronger than any person I know.  But more than that; you cared.  When others would have written us off, you never did.  It's how we made it this far.  
>    
>  But now that you're gone, I don't know if I can take even one more step.  
>    
>  I know if you saw me like this, you'd tell me to buck up or some nonsense.  But it's hard.  It's hard because it's you.  And now I know I lost the most important part of my life.  
>    
>  -mrm

  
~*~*~  
  
Rodney wakes up the morning after the small Buddhist ceremony with Kusanagi, and the heartache is still deep in his chest.  But there's a part of him that knows that, little by little, it's going to get better.  When his mind wanders back to that forested area on the planet, he's actually able to see the beauty in it - the sacred way that Miko had helped him foster his own goodbye.  
  
He gets out of bed and climbs into the shower, his body having missed the hot water from the last few days.  Seeing that it's before breakfast service, he quickly gets dressed, and then heads to Elizabeth's office.  When she doesn't look up immediately, he clears his throat.  
  
"Ohh, Rodney," she says, giving him a hint of a smile.  "How are-"  Elizabeth cuts herself off, and it's then that Rodney spots a delicate blue cloth, wet spots on it showing he isn't the only one that's shed tears as of late.  "What can I do for you?" she asks, a cordial - if forced - smile covering her face.  She, too, glances to the cloth, then reaches over, holding it in one hand as she clasps both hands together, dropping them to the desk.  
  
"No, no.  Nothing.  I just wanted to see what I missed is all."  
  
"You didn't miss much," she says, then reaches to pull her laptop in front of her.  She flips up the screen, studying it as she reads off from the meeting notes.  "Just a few relatively minor things.  I'll go ahead and send it to you.  Okay?"  
  
Rodney nods.  "Thanks, Elizabeth."  He stands there for an awkward second, and then begins to turn.  
  
"Rodney," she says, so he turns back.  When he looks at her, he sees the haunting loss that can be seen from her gaze; a look that is so common to Atlantis these days.  She pushes a stray hair behind her ear, Rodney suddenly noticing a lot more grey in her hair than before.  "You know if you need anything..."  
  
"Yeah," he replies, eyes darting from Elizabeth, to John's chair, and then back again.  "Thanks."  
  
~*~*~  
  
After he catches up on the notes of the meeting he missed, Rodney checks the time.  Noting that breakfast is finally available, he grabs his coffee mug, holding it tight like he could absorb all the memories it held, and walks to the Mess.  For the first time in a while, he takes the normal corridors, instead of the maze of back hallways that he's used for the last few weeks.  And around each corner he spots someone he hasn't seen in a while, every face he encounters holding an emotion that he himself had been through since that fateful day.  
  
His tray piled high, Rodney stops for just a moment near the newly-patched wall, and looks out amongst the sea of people.  He spots Teyla and Ronon, and slowly winds his way through the tables until he comes to theirs.   
  
Teyla looks up first, saying, "Rodney," and offering him a friendly look.  Ronon just grunts, giving him a slow blink and nod of acknowledgement.  
  
"May I join you?" Rodney asks, cautiously hesitant.  It's been a while since he's been around this many people, and he's suddenly unsure of himself.  
  
Teyla just smiles, and Ronon pulls the chair out next to him, so Rodney takes a seat.  And just like that, the trio slip back into what resembles normal behavior.  In fact, it seems _so_ normal to him, that Rodney finds himself looking to John's chair.  Each time, he quickly looks back at his plate, trying to hide his disappointment.  
  
But Teyla, who seems to be watching him cautiously, knows.  
  
After a cordial breakfast, Teyla stands, making her excuses as she heads off to lead a self-defense class.  Rodney figures he should get to work, so he starts to get up, but Ronon's meaty hand comes down on his shoulder.   
  
"What?" he asks.  
  
Ronon stands, towering over Rodney as he reaches down and takes his own tray.  "Come on," he insists, and waits for Rodney to stand up.  Rodney does as he is told, and Ronon walks with him to the tray return area, then bobs his head towards a hallway.  He takes a step, then turns, raising an eyebrow until Rodney finally moves, coming to stand at his side.  
  
The pair walk through the bustling morning hallways until they approach the small room that John had chosen as their "team room".  It was a room each of them were intimately familiar with, though Rodney hadn't even been near it since John's death.  They enter, Ronon basically pushing Rodney onto the sofa, then taking a seat on an ottoman, facing him.  It's so intimidating, sitting with Ronon looming in front of him, that Rodney can't lock onto his gaze.   
  
Rodney looks around the room uncomfortably, asking, "What's going on?"  And when he finally looks at Ronon, he finds Ronon's dark, brooding eyes studying him.  
  
"On Sateda," Ronon starts, bowing his head at the mention of his lost world, "we had a tradition.  Whenever we lost someone, we would gather together to honor them.  The person closest would tell stories about them, while the others took turns marking the storyteller."  
  
At Ronon's words, Rodney looks up anxiously.  "Like being tattooed," Ronon clarifies.  
  
Rodney starts to balk, though he doesn't want to offend Ronon.  But even before he can bluster out a syllable, Ronon pulls a black magic marker and uncaps it.  "The mark isn't meant to be permanent."  
  
Frowning, Rodney asks, "Then what's the point?"  
  
Ronon takes in a deep breath, Rodney feeling a hint of discomfort under his heavy gaze.  After another breath, Ronon clarifies, "It's placed somewhere were you see it.  Some place of significance, to you and that person.  The mark is something you will look at every day, to remember the person.  And as the marking ages, it fades away from your body.  Symbolizes the pain that you feel at their loss, and to show you that the pain gets lighter and lighter as each day passes."  Without waiting, he reaches out, taking Rodney's hand into his own, studying it before choosing the back.  "Gonna do it here," he reports, gesturing with Rodney's own hand.  "When Sheppard couldn't get us out with guns, you got us out with brains."  
  
Rodney doesn't bother to budge.  He watches as Ronon starts an intricate design on the back of his hand, extending it down to his fingers.  "I suppose you - being a solder back on Sateda...  Well, you've had to do this a lot."  
  
Ronon doesn't look up.  Instead he just says, "Didn't do it for fallen comrades.  This is something you do just when you lose someone that you love."  He finally looks up, quietly adding, "I did it when I lost Melena..."  
  
The implications of what Ronon just said hang heavy in the room.  He doesn't want to protest, but he manages to say, "You know Sheppard and I...  We weren't like that."  
  
"Doesn't matter," Ronon replies, going back to his design.  "Might as well have been."  
  
They sit in silence for a few more seconds until Ronon quietly asks, "Tell me the story about the first time you met him."  
  
~*~*~

> From: mrmckay@atlantis.ioa.mil  
>  To: jsheppard@atlantis.ioa.mil  
>  Subject:  Goodbye  
>    
>  It's hard to believe you've been gone all this time.  But it doesn't matter how many days, weeks, or even years it's been or going to be - you're still one of the first things that I think of when I get out of bed in the morning.  
>    
>  I've spent a lot of time wondering what-if, and asking questions I'll never know the answer to.  I try not to let the questions haunt me, but there's one that always will.  I'll never know if you cared for me, the way I cared for you.  
>    
>  And though I don't want to, I have to let go and say goodbye.  
>    
>  I love you.  Always.  
>  -Rodney

  
~*~*~  
  
Rodney presses send, the fading ink on the back of his hand catching his eye as he raises it to wipe away the tear in the corner of his eye.  It still hurt almost as much as the day it happened, but maybe there _was_ something to what Ronon said; each day there were still spilled tears, but fewer.  And the ache in his chest stays with him as always, but he truly feels like he might be okay.  Not that what he's feeling could be called anything close to normal, or even just okay - but maybe one day it will be.  
  
Miko Kusanagi comes to Rodney on the 49 th day, explaining that in her culture, they revisit the gravesite to have a private ceremony on the 49th day after death, and again on the 100th.  They get to the 'jumper bay, and no one even questions them; they're cleared by the control room, and whisk off in silence.  After landing in the clearing, Rodney and Miko approach the gravesite, Rodney feeling that each step is accompanied by a gentle tear in his soul.  But, as Teyla had taught him, he tries to replace the thoughts of sadness with the images of better times.  And it helps.  
  
When the 100th day arrives, Rodney manages a smile when Miko arrives at his lab; he'd even been looking forward to it.  But unlike the last time, this trip isn't made in silence.  Rodney pilots, letting Miko tell stories about she and Duarte Espinosa got together.  Like Parrish and Lorne, Espinosa had accompanied Miko during an off-world expedition, though it was Espinosa that had stumbled across a dead body.  Miko laughs, confessing Espinosa's sin of passing out from the experience, which startled her to no end at the time.  "I didn't know what to do, so I sat down, and pulled his head into my lap.  When he finally opened his eyes and looked up at me," she said, "that's when I knew."  
  
Rodney stands quietly as Miko says a few words of blessing to both graves.  When she gives him a nod, they split off, each saying their own private goodbyes.  
  
Once back on Atlantis, Rodney again buries himself in all the work that is yet to be done.  He eats with this team more often than not, even though it's not his true team anymore.  Lorne had recruited him to replace Parrish, which made sense since they were seeing each other, while Teyla and Ronon made up a new team with Lieutenant Cadman and Radek.  Still, the trio makes time for movies every once in a while, and Rodney feels something not unlike normality not far from his grasp.  
  
~*~*~  
  
It's a crisp Fall morning, Rodney just barely dozing when there's a blast of noise that comes through the radio.  Before he can put on his radio, the outburst is followed quickly by an overhead requesting all senior personnel to come to the control room.  He's out of his quarters in an instant, shoes not even tied, and makes it to the center of what can only be described as chaos moments later.  "What is it?  What's happening?"  
  
Elizabeth's face is white, eyes wide as she desolately mutters, "They're back..."  
  
Rodney doesn't have to ask _who_ she means as a defiant look plasters itself on his face.  He jettisons a frightened looking tech from their chair, sitting down to overtake the console.  He turns to Chuck asking, "What are they doing?  Do we have visual?"  
  
"Nothing," Chuck replies, sounding perplexed.  "They're...just hovering there, orbiting right above us."  There's a mash of buttons accompanied by a flicker of light, and Chuck adds, "We have visual."  
  
Rodney looks through the sensor logs, nodding to Lorne when he shows up seconds later.  "It's _them_ ," he spits, then points to the large screen where cameras have picked up the hulking ship as it orbits, showing it from multiple angles.  
  
"Any communications?" Lorne asks.  He turns to Rodney and asks, "Weapons?"  
  
Shaking his head, Rodney just says, "No.  Nothing like last time."  And that's the confusing part.  By the time the ship had made orbit last time, they'd started firing.  A sense of fear at what may happen this time starts to bubble up within him, but Rodney pushes it away, focusing only on avenging John.   
  
There are confused looks that are shared amongst the senior staff, only the pinging of sensors sounding through the room as everyone suddenly studies their monitors.  
  
Elizabeth is the first to talk, punctuating the silence with, "Well what in the hell do they want?"  
  
"Wait a sec.  What the hell is that?" Lorne asks.  All eyes fall on him, and he steps closer to the screen.  "Chuck, can you get closer on this area?"  He draws a circle near the edge of the ship and points to what looks to be a blinking light.  
  
There's a few adjustments, the camera going in and out of focus for a second before the screen shows a close-up of the underside of the ship, a blinking light right in the middle.  There's almost a rhythm to it, a pattern.  
  
"What is it?" Elizabeth asks.  
  
Rodney lets his eyes stray from the screen, focusing instead on the look Evan holds.  It's as if each passing second, each blink of the light, brings about some understanding in Evan's head, as evidenced by the scowl that slowly gives way to a smile.  
  
"Sheppard's IDC," he says.  Turning to Elizabeth and Rodney, he excitedly shouts, "God dammit, it's Sheppard's IDC!"  
  
There's an instantaneous round of, "What?" that fills the room, and Rodney is on his feet in an instant, reaching out for Evan's arm.  "Sheppard's...  Are you sure?"  Suddenly questions are turning over in his mind, and just as quick he latches onto the answer.  He looks at the screen, points, and asks, "Morse code?"  
  
Evan grins from ear to ear, and Rodney's breath catches in his chest.  Could it honestly be real?  
  
"Chuck," Evan starts as he writes down a series of numbers and letters on a tablet.  He thrusts it in front of the technician.  "Is this Sheppard's IDC?"  
  
Chuck doesn't even hesitate.  "Yes, sir," he replies, and suddenly the room is filled with so many voices, he's hard to hear any one thing over the roar.  "Doctor Weir, shall we-"  
  
"Wait, wait, wait," Weir calls out, nearly screaming.  When the room becomes silent once again, she continues, "Okay, so it's Colonel Sheppard's IDC.  But how do we know it's _him_?"  
  
Not a word is spoken until Rodney stands up.  "Faith, Elizabeth."  He looks at her, hope in his voice as he says, "We have to take a leap of faith here..."  
  
Elizabeth considers the situation while the quiet chatter continues throughout the room.  It's several seconds before she asks, "How big is this ship in comparison to the Daedalus?"  
  
Doing some quick calculations, Rodney comes back with, "Depending on cargo, I'd say roughly 20% smaller."  Elizabeth gives him a nod and hesitant smile, so he turns to Chuck.  "Can you rig it in a way so that we can turn the lights that surround each pier off and on - all at the same time?"  
  
"So send him a message back?  How do we know he will even be able to see us?" Elizabeth asks.  
  
"Sheppard wouldn’t have sent us Morse code without knowing we would have to respond," Lorne answers.  It makes Rodney proud that Lorne knew Sheppard well enough to know his habits.  "What should we say?"  He glances to Elizabeth and Rodney for inspiration.  
  
Rodney's at a loss for words, so he looks to the other senior officials in the room.  "Should we not simply ask if he is capable of landing?" Teyla asks.  She'd been so quiet, that Rodney didn't even know she was in the room.  
  
"Why didn't I think of that?" Rodney asks out loud.  "Lorne?"  
  
It takes a couple of minutes before the circuit joining each light source on all of Atlantis' piers into one gigantic switch is complete.  As soon as it's done, Lorne says, "Here goes nothin'," and taps out, "C A N Y O U L A N D" controlling thousands of disparate lights with a glorified light switch.  The combined light from all of Atlantis' piers sends a message so bright that the blinking casts haunting shadows across the control room.  
  
They watch the monitor for any sign of response, though none comes immediately.  After a few tense seconds, Lorne reaches for the switch to tap the message out again when the ship suddenly does what looks like a barrel roll to the amusement of the room.  All eyes on the monitor, the ship's light taps out another message, and Lorne grins, laughing when he conveys, "East pier bring beer."  
  
"Damn him," Rodney not hiding the joyful look that shows on his face.  "That's Sheppard all right."  
  
Radek gets the shield lowered while the majority of Atlantis' senior personnel pile out onto the pier.  They wait a respectful distance, and the bulk of the ship settles, not so gracefully, on the landing pad that usually holds an IOA ship.  
  
Not a word is spoken for several tense minutes, until Rodney finally balks at the inaction.  "Well what the hell is the holdup?"  
  
Elizabeth confers with both Evan and Rodney, and they begin to formulate a plan for what to do next.  But before they can decide on exactly _what_ to do, there's a sound of a blast that comes from somewhere along the far wall of the ship, dirt and small debris hurling through the air.  As the dust settles, there's the unmistakable voice of John Sheppard that cuts through the otherwise still morning air with, "Mother _fucker_ , I've never been so glad to be home."  
  
Rodney doesn't even realize that he's moved from his spot until he's huffing heavy breaths, standing in front of a battered and tired looking John Sheppard and three other survivors, throwing his arms around John for a heroes welcome.  
  
There are hugs all around, and it's like old friends catching up instead of what it is - lost souls coming back from the dead.  Rodney barely takes his eyes off of John, but when he sees the face of a lost-looking Portuguese soldier searching the crowd, he swats at his radio.  "McKay to Kusanagi."  Without waiting for her to answer, he just grins broadly as he says, "Miko, I'm gonna need you to come out to the east pier."  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
There's an impromptu celebration in the Mess, which John and the other survivors tell tale of what happened to them.  The ship had been controlled by an alien race called the Caffanna, who were known to be scavengers throughout Pegasus.  They had come across a payload of Ancient technology, and showed up at Atlantis with the sole purpose of kidnapping ATA gene holders so they could operate what they thought were weapons.   
  
When there's a quiet pause in the celebration, John motions to his fellow captors, and they extricate themselves from the Mess.  Sheppard leads his fellow captors, following Elizabeth and other senior staff to Atlantis' conference room, and Rodney doesn't leave his side.  Settled into the conference room, It's then that Carson conveys to John and the survivors that they had found Qualbani and Burkhardt's remains, which had been sent back to Earth.  Rodney would give anything to keep John from holding that pained look of loss, it hurts him so.  By way of explanation, John says, "Those two...  They weren't ATA gene carriers, were they?"  
  
All eyes turn to Carson, but Elizabeth responds first.  "No, they weren't.  And the experimental treatment didn't seem to take.  Is that why they were-"  Elizabeth pauses, finally finishing her thought with, "left behind?"  
  
Rodney's heart breaks a little as he watches John's eyes drop to the table.  "Yeah," he quietly manages.  And Rodney knows that John is beating himself up over those two soldiers not coming back, because he's the one that ordered them on the mission.  
  
It takes a couple of seconds, but John comes back to himself, a sardonic smile on his face as he regales the room with the details that hadn't been shared with the rest of the population in the Mess.  He lets each of his people tell their own tales, and fills in details where he can.  And the whole thing feels somewhat ordinary to Rodney, like they were just debriefing after a long away mission.  
  
"Well, now," Carson says, standing when all the stories seem to have been told.  "I think it's high time we get these folks into the Infirmary for a wee check up."  
  
John stands, and Rodney joins him almost automatically.  "Hey, you guys didn't throw out my beer, did you?" John asks the room, though he's holding Rodney's gaze.  
  
Rodney doesn't hesitate, and quickly replies, "I've still got some Molsens."  
  
"Cool," John replies, and the smile he gets is so genuine, he can't help but grin back.  "I'll be by after Carson's done poking and prodding, 'k?"  
  
The meeting doesn't last long after the survivors leave, and Rodney finds as he walks down the hall that there's a spring in his step, and a genuine smile on his face for the first time in months.  
  
~*~*~  
  
Rodney ambles aimlessly around his quarters, waiting on John to return.  He initially tries to do some work, but his mind isn't in it, so instead he decides some manual labor is in order.  It takes half an hour to straighten up his quarters, and he's halfway through folding and putting away a load of laundry when there's the telltale snick of the doors opening.  Rodney turns, and he finds John standing there, a strained expression covering his face.  
  
"John?" Rodney whispers.  He stands there as John's eyes search him, hurt and pain showing through the dark, hazel eyes as they roam over every inch of him.  Rodney unconsciously holds his breath, his mind reeling until he remembers his transgressions.  
  
The emails.  John _always_ catches up on his emails as he's waiting on an after-mission physical.  
  
As John strides quickly across the room, Rodney blusters, flinching instinctively as he manages a quick, "John, I'm so sorry, I-"  
  
But his words are cut off as John comes to a standstill in front of him, and two roughly calloused hands come up to Rodney's chin.  Pained eyes gaze right into Rodney's soul, and he manages a quiet, "John," before John leans in, trembling lips pursed against Rodney's own as shaky fingertips travel down Rodney's arms.  John takes Rodney's hands into his own, kissing him once, then twice before he plasters his full body against Rodney's, backing them up against a wall as John's tongue seeks entrance.  
  
Rodney finally opens his eyes, finding John's sad expression when he focuses.  "I'm sorry," John confesses through a whisper.  
  
Lifting his hand, Rodney brushes his fingers against John's unshaven cheek.  "What are you sorry for?" Rodney sighs against John's lips.  He leans back a bit, gazing into John's eyes as thoughts go back to the that second, hurtful email, he confesses, "I was the one that wrote some pretty appalling stuff to you..."  
  
John turns, guiding them to the bed.  He pushes Rodney down and carefully spreads his body across Rodney's.  "No...  I'm sorry for leaving you like that."  He steals a gentle kiss, then lifts up, saying, "And I didn't know you felt the same way as me."  
  
Rodney rolls them over onto their sides, using his free arm to pull John close.  "Well you know now," he whispers.  And he gives John a kiss that tells him everything he's missed over the last few months.  
  
And much, much later, after sharing secrets and laughs and kisses, Rodney settles in at John's side to fall asleep.  The last thing he remembers before slumber taking him is John's peaceful voice confessing, "Love you, Rodney."  And while Rodney's heart may have been shattered over the last few months, now that he has John's, it was whole once again.

**Author's Note:**

> This was a very different fic for me to write, and at times it was quite hard. I hope that it conveys well what was in my head, to these digital mishmash of words.
> 
> Also, note that I didn't mark this as "Major Character Death" because in all honesty, it isn't. I hope others agree with my decision.


End file.
